


It is hard

by Tigi



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:20:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28157457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigi/pseuds/Tigi
Summary: Valkyrie thinks back...........It had been hard.Every day had been a challenge, another 24 hours she could torture herself with thinking,if she even deserved to live.





	It is hard

It had been hard.  
Every day had been a challenge, another 24 hours she could torture herself with thinking,if she even deserved to live.  
So many dead.  
And that just because she had chosen to enter the magic world.  
So many deaths because she was selfish.  
At first there was no time to cope at all, she had to save the world from herself after all.  
Every littel dark or sad thougt was pushed back, every dark emotion, she swallowed down.  
It was like taking a deep breath and stopping to breath.  
But then it was over.  
With time she began to accept it.  
Only a littel, but enough to come to the conclusion that the past was in the past.  
That she had to life a littel more in the present.  
It still was hard.  
She may accept that it was on the oast.  
But that didn't meant that the guilt faded away.  
Quite the contra it seemed like the guilt insisted on following her.  
As if she had to start breathing again.  
Every littel sad, dark or twisted thought came back to the surface.  
Haunting her.  
But she deserved it.  
Everyone knew it.  
Slowly she began to adapt again, slowly she accepted the thoughts and she managed to move on a littel more.  
She even came back home.  
Came back and met him again.  
But more importantly met her.

The woman that showed her why she had to carry on.  
I have a hard and cold life so hers can be a warm life.  
That is why I am still fighting.  
I fight for normal people, I fight for mortals and their normal lifes.  
I fight for the average people.  
Of course there is the possibility of giving up.  
But that would be selfish.  
Stupid.  
No.  
I owe them.  
Owe everyone who still lives.  
After so many deaths that I caused I have to do everything I can.  
To protect them.  
To protect her.

And she started to do exactly that.  
She went with Skullduggery on adventures again.  
First trying to find out what had happened with Temper Fray and meeting Omen.  
Hell, Omen.  
She could life with the way she led her life.  
But her way of living shouldn't be his.  
He deserved a better life.  
Deserved an easy life, full of joy, away from the constant danger.  
Away from the danger that he himself would turn one day into the danger.  
A life without killing anyone.

He didn't listened.  
He staid in her life.  
And it frightened her like nothing before had.  
But that was the way life worked.  
Sometimes you got what you wanted.  
Most of the times you didn't.

She had to accept that too, like the other things she accepted.  
After all it was his decision and his only.  
Not hers.  
And she may not approve but that didn't mean that she could decided that his decision was wrong.  
Maybe everything would turn out good for him.  
Maybe he was stronger then her.  
But she worried that he wouldn't.  
Worried that he would be like her, at first going higher and higher, only to crash down again.  
To crash down and take so many others with him.  
She wished him a better life.

Sometimes she thougt if she should try change his option.  
Sometimes she wondered if she could have somehow prevented him from choosing this path.

,,What are you thinking about?"

A voice interrupted the river of thoughts in her head.  
Brought her back into the present.  
She smiled at the woman, at the one person she could always count on, to bring her back into the present.  
The one person that always reminded her of her duty.  
The woman she loved.

,,Nothing important."told Valkyrie her and got up and walked over.  
Only to kiss her lightly on the lips.  
A kiss so soft that it was almost not there at all.  
Almost not there.  
Slowly Valkyrie wrapped her arms around her.

For a second she closed her eyes and let herself take her girlfriend in.  
The soft scent of Militsa, that always smelled.....warm, she didn't knew what it was.  
But she could swear that this scent was hone to her, a scent that comforted her.  
And then there was the way Militsa felt, so warm, so alive, reminding her of how good Militsa was.  
And Valkyrie always felt as if the warmth of Militsa was life itself.  
Far to soon the second was over and the littel hugged ended.

It had been a second that Valkyrie didn't deserved.  
Not in the slightested.  
She didn't deserved any of it.  
Didn't deserved the way Militsa smiled at her with her lips curving into this perfect soft smile, while her eyes seemed to laugh at Valkyrie.  
And the way her eyes seemed to brighten up when Militsa smiled at her.  
She didn't deserved the way Militsa always put everyone first, the way she always considered every possibility before acting.  
Always thinking, trying to find the best solution, never intentionally hurting anyone.  
Neither did she deserve the Militsas passion, a passion that Valkyrie couldn't really comprehend every time.  
She just couldn't figure pit what was so interesting about studying every aspect of magic and getting all theoretically.  
Yes, some thinghs were interesting, but at some point you had to stopp.....  
Still Militsas passion....it burned so bright and seemed to be endless.  
Then there was the thingh that Militsa never seemed to break any rules.  
At all.  
As if she thought that every rule was written in stone and something you shouldn't even think of breaking.  
It was sometimes even a littel annoying.  
But it was so much more then Valkyrie deserved.

And the way Militsa made place for Valkyrie in her life and took time for her.  
It sometimes felt as if it was a reminder to Valkyrie.  
A reminder that told her, she should tell Militsa.

I don't deserve this.  
You are wasting your time.  
Don't you know about all the people I killed.

Don't you know I killed my sister?  
But she didn't.  
Almist nobody did.  
But it still had happened.  
Her sister died.  
And Valkyrie brought her back.  
But that didn't really mattered.  
Because Valkyrie killed her sister.  
Murdered her littel innocent sister and shattered her soul.  
Broke her.  
And still Alsion kept smiling at her.  
Her littel sister was always glad to met her and so full of joy.  
But it meant almost nothing to Valkyrie, after all she knew that parts of Alsion were missing.  
Her littel sister was incomplete.  
And it was her fault.

Sometimes she felt as if her heart was shattering apart every time Alision smiled.

I don't deserve this smile.  
Don't you know that I killed you?  
You aren't whole.  
I ripped your soul apart and now you aren't who you could have been.  
I damaged you and I am trying to find your soul and pur you back together.  
But what if I fail ?  
You will always feel joy, but you will never really discover what joy really means.  
There is no light without darkness.  
So what does your life really mean?  
Is the joy you feel really joy, if you can't get sad?

And if I ever heal you?  
What will happen then?  
Will you still smile?  
Or will I turn you life from completely filled with joy to completely filled with sadness.  
Am I going to break you all over again?  
I don't know and sometimes I don't even want to know.  
Because it is breaking my heart all over again.

So don't smile at me.  
Every time you do, there is a dagger stepping me in my heart.  
Reminding me of what a monster I am.  
I don't deserve you.

I don't deserve anyone.

I don't deserve Skulldugery, who knows almost every of my weaknesses and secrets, but still stays on my side.  
Yes, he was Vile.  
But honestly at least he had a good excuse.  
He went crazy he couldn't think clearly, his control slipped away, before he could act on it.  
But I?  
I knew what was coming.  
But I still carried on walking on my path.  
I don't deserve you Skulldugery.  
You are so much better then I am.

And my parents?  
They deserve a better daughter.  
Not only gave I killed so many people.  
Not only am I a mess and wrecked from guilt.  
No, I had to wreck their other daughter too.  
The fool I am, I took nit only one good daughter from them, but both.  
I am so sorry, you deserved better then me.

And as if that's not enough other people their are so many other people that would gave deserved better.

Ghastly for once.  
No one ever talks if it, but we saw him life in the vision.  
He was alive and he and Tanith could have been happy.  
But I wrecked that future too.  
I may not have killed him.  
I am responsible for his death nonetheless.  
You deserved better then to die.

And with that I changed Tanith life too, damning her to watch the love of her life dying over a video screen.  
Hearing the first time about his death from a psychotic killer that had fallen in love with her.

A psychopath that truly loved her and gave his live so she could live.  
A man I never am going to like, nor am I ever going to forget all the people he killed.  
He took lives like I did,maybe more maybe less.  
I don't know.  
And in the end the number isn't really important, at least not to me.  
But he has a good excuse, he is psychopath unable to feel empathy and at some point in his life something went wrong with him.  
He is still responsible for many way to early filled graves and quite funerals.  
But even he deserved better then dying.

And then there us Anton.  
I don't know of there is any way he could still be alive, there were no vision about him, I ever heard of.  
But they doesn't makes me feel less guilty.  
It makes me only think that I acted in a way that his death was unstoppable.  
And that fills me with regret.  
I never knew him much and I never really wanted up to him.  
Still he should have lived.

And then there are of course the lives I took when Darquise destroyed Roarheaven and all the other times before.  
She may have been the one killing them, but I am the one responsible for her existence.  
That means that everyone she killed, is a death I am responsible.

That is why I don't deserve any of them.  
At the same time I know I can't push them away.  
Because that would only hurt them further and they deserve better.  
No, I have to do my best to make sure that I can make it up to them.  
I don't know how.  
I don't know if it us even possible.  
But I know I have to try.

The future is going to be hard.

But I am ready to fight for it.


End file.
